an open letter to fragile Starbucks customers. & also Americans, b/c this IS America on a smaller scale.

Alright folks.  I tucked my soapbox under the bed for almost a month.  But apparently I’m among the “can’t stop, won’t stop” when it comes to keeping my mouth shut about my laundry list of opinions regarding an even longer laundry list of stupidity displayed by the American people as of late.

So, since it’s highly unusual that I don’t have something to say, and since it’s also Monday, why not utilize the worst day of the week and throw another shitty log on the shitty Monday fire. 🙂

On the docket today, are the more sensitive, fragile Starbucks customers who can somehow manage to annoy me seldom at work but, ironically, mostly on my days off via the internet.

Since the great red cup injustice of 2015 has been laid to rest (I hope?) and people realized that red is still in fact a color that represents a holiday that Starbucks allegedly hates, it was high time for the overly sensitive, privileged, latte drinkers of the world to dig real deep into a dark, dusty archive of more bullshit and uncover the latest “controversy”.  And that controversy comes in the shape of an adorable little scarf-donning polar bear cookie, sitting innocently in a pastry case wh—– OMG SOMEONE SLASHED ITS THROAT AND IT’S BLEEDING TO DEATH!!!!

polar-bear-600x450

I wish I were joking.  In fact, originally, I thought someone was joking when they came into my store this past weekend and made an inaudible comment about our lack of homicide!polar bear gracing our pastry cases here along the too-warm-for-December west coast of Lake Michigan.  As per the norm when I can’t hear someone’s joke, I just smiled & nodded, and moved on with my day, passively wondering what polar bear she was referring to.  As at that moment, I still lived blissfully unaware that these little frosted sugar cookies were obviously a key player in a much larger campaign against polar bears, thus the company must be in favor of global warming too.  Because that’s actually the type of conspiracy shit people will come up with nowadays.

For anyone interested, I’ll let you in on some top secret Starbucks intel. That cookie was retired five years ago.  So no, we do not “no longer” have the polar bear cookie.  We never had it this year nor recent past years, because we have the snowman with the noose around its neck instead.  (Oh wait, that’s also a scarf.)  Thus, at least in my store, your particular flavor of crazy hasn’t won yet.

I’d be lying to you if I said I’ve never been frustrated with my job.  But in the wake of a costly (in more ways than one) epidemic of American stupidity, allow me to take a minute or two to give you my own personal two cents, after entering my fourth year with the company.  They believe in ethical sourcing.  They provide jobs and income to countries that, without these fair trade coffee farms, wouldn’t have either of those things.  Their prices may be high, but you’re getting a quality product, and, if I’m being honest, those prices don’t stop any of you from coming in, do they?  And finally, they are a rockstar company to their employees, and never once have I been unhappy with Starbucks on any level higher than the current store I was in, or the coworkers I was dealing with.

Here are a few more tidbits concealed in the news over the past week.

  • a school principal bans the Pledge of Allegiance & Thanksgiving in her American school.
  • a student at a Texas university was shot dead wielding an ax on campus.
  • and last but most important, three years ago today was the Sandy Hook elementary school shooting & those poor families are still living without their kids.

So please, tell me more about how A COOKIE has upset you.

Sincerely,

A proud Starbucks barista, and a disappointed American.

p.s. For those of you who do in fact see a bloody massacre craftily disguised as a scarf, please take a look at the following images, and kindly unfollow my blog, because if you’re seeing a massacre on a holiday cookie, apparently it is you who have the minds of serial killers. Hm.  Conspiracies aren’t so fun now, are they?

1this-ink-blot-test-will-determine-your-personality-2-4643-1425436877-5_dblbig126440_rochester_4 enhanced-14740-1425404738-14

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