a bittersweet date

January 17th.

It happened.

I had noticed a larger amount of CM this morning than normal, and thought I may have been ovulating.  So I peed in a cup, dipped an ovulation test in, and lo and behold, it came back positive!  Now, for someone who only gets a boatload of negative everythings, from ovulation sticks to pregnancy tests, any positive will due for me.  Because at least now I knowdo ovulate, which, my googling mind had started to fear I wasn’t at all…

After doing a very uncoordinated happy dance and literally getting down on my knees and thanking God because I have been in such an anxious state of mind regarding this topic since early 2015, I jumped back on my BFF Google (which already has about 39 tabs of pregnancy symptoms open at all times because I am crazy) and wondered if a positive OPK could also mean you’re pregnant.  As it turns out, OPKs can detect not only LH but also hCG.

Just for laughs I decided I’d one of the several $.88 tests from Walmart that I have been hoarding since we started trying, and to me incredible surprise, after three minutes, it was a super faint POSITIVE!

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What?!  After freaking out for a straight minute or more and tearing up a couple times on and off, I tried to calm myself down and not lose my head, because I really honestly could have been seeing things, it could have been a weird false positive, it’s still super early… A million thoughts went through my mind, especially considering the strange circumstances surrounding my period (or lack thereof) that didn’t have me running to the maternity section just yet.

When a minute or so later the line was a little bit darker, I thought I would go to the store, splurge for a digital test (I stopped using those for a while because all those negative tests were getting expensive), and try again just to be sure, and that if I wasn’t, it was ok because at least I was ovulating or something.  Something was detected on a test.  Which is a really huge deal when you live in the land of all negatives all the time and start to mentally prepare yourself for an emotional road of struggling to conceive.

About an hour and change later, some fresh pee and I waited three minutes to see the word I have waited so many years to see, and began to fear I never would.

Pregnant.

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Cue similar emotions to the last one.  I just can’t believe it.  I still can’t, even.  Earlier this afternoon I got in touch with my doctor and because I was having some cramping they recommended taking some blood today to check my hCG and progesterone levels, and then repeat the test Thursday to make sure my levels are doubling.  She said it is normal so I’m not too worried.  Like I said, at the end of the day I am thrilled and I’m praying everything goes well, but at this point in time, whatever happens happens, and I am just so grateful to know that I can conceive.

Before I wrap this up, I do just want to say a few words about a family friend of Anthony’s, named Angie.  She was a brilliant, smart, kind, giving, accomplished woman in her 90s, and sadly she passed away this morning.  But not befor wishing us a great life, and well, I like to think this little positive on the same day is somehow connected to her.  Rest in peace, Angie. 💕

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