Does anyone here watch the show New Girl with Zooey Deschanel and a plethora of hilarious male actors whose names I don’t know? If you don’t, you should, because you will surely laugh your buns off for all seven seasons. It’s one of those shows with a super unique and unexpectedly hilarious humor, like Schitt’s Creek (another MUST WATCH. ABSOLUTE MUST! It’s so funny you might even die). But anyway, in their apartment, they have a Douchebag Jar for when one of my favorite characters to ever grace a television screen “Schmidt” says something douchey. Observe, and you’re welcome. Six seasons are on Netflix. Go. Well, after you read my post. Obvi. 🙃
In the weeks since we’ve relocated to the very heart of crazy driving, I have encountered quite a few pains in my ass whom I’ve awarded their very own douchebag jars. If you follow my Instagram stories, you may already know about some of these, because I come upon these folks almost daily. And before anyone mentions glass houses, don’t worry. My savings account pretty much doubles as my very own douchebag jar.
Mercedes-Driving Employee At Our Hotel. It’s a nice car. You’re so cool. I wish I were you, etc. Don’t worry bro, we gotchu. Personally, that particular shade of aggressive red wouldn’t be my first choice of color, but regardless, we get it. You’re pretty into your car. But if you could stop parking it like it’s an Aston Martin or something similarly undeserving of being parked among the peons and not just some baseline Mercedes that you’ve pimped beyond recognition, perhaps I’d spend less time featuring it all over my Instagram and bitching about it to anyone I talk to about the hotel. Also, I’m not sure a window decal that says “baby up in this bitch” is the best way to raise safety awareness. 🤔
Altima Driver in Traffic. Dude. We are all stuck in the same line of traffic. We aren’t moving anywhere. It takes about seven light cycles to even get through one red light. If the person in the lane next to you is showing a need to skootch (is that a real word?) over in front of you, just let them. And even if you don’t, don’t leave room in front of you and then when someone starts to inch in as traffic starts to move, jolt forward with such an abrupt act of “oh hell no” … know what I mean? It’s douchey. Also, the mini van driver that you cock-blocked just went up a couple more cars and merged in there. So you ended up in the exact same proximity to the red light than you would have been had you not decided you’d be too inconvenienced by letting one car move in front of you.
The On-Ramp Cheaters. There is a particular on-ramp out of the city onto I-93 South that spits you out into an exit-only lane. You have maybe a quarter mile+ to merge in. Most people merge immediately off the on-ramp. But then there are the people who continue straight as though they are getting off the highway via the exit-only, and then at the last second, muscle their way into the merge about 35 cars ahead of where they should have entered. Granted, I know you have to enter where you can. But you’re not going to convince me that you had no choice but to skip the entire line and jump in at the front. People tend to let you onto the highway right off the ramp so… Oh! And shockingly enough, it’s actually super dangerous to do it that way. When you’re cruising down the “exit only” lane towards the exit, people tend to think you’re exiting. So when you suddenly swan dive into their lane, well, let’s just say, anytime there is a first responder trying to wriggle its way onto the highway, they are heading to that area to deal with a fender bender that was 100% avoidable by simply not being a d-bag.
Okay, I realize a lot of my frustrations stem from driving situations. But in my defense, it’s the only thing I ever do anymore aside from almost die three mornings a week at the gym. Given the amount of rude people we have encountered over the last couple months, I should start putting a buck or two in a jar each time. At least I’ll be saving money off of my frustration— ha!
Hope you’re all having a great Friday eve, and not driving in front of me! Just kidding, I’m not that judgy. Just of rude people. Baha. 😬