real talk tueday: cyclists

Happy Tuesday that feels like Wednesday, everybody!  I hope you’re all enjoying the same weather we are out here in New England!  It has been consistently sunny for days now, and the temperatures have been high but bearable, and I am thanking the big guy upstairs for each and every one of these beautiful days after such a craptastic “spring” season.


Renovation is in full swing, and most of our house looks like an abandoned asylum, but that’s okay!  I love a good excuse not to cook a real dinner!

More photos to come, but for now here’s a tiny shot of me standing in what used to be a formal dining room now looking more like if you pulled the Titanic up from the ocean floor and let it dry out for a bit before throwing some furniture in there.

Today’s post, however, is tackling a more important issue.

Cyclists.  On the roads.  Where the cars live.

action activity adults bicycles
Photo by PhotoMIX Ltd. on

As some of you may know, since moving to Massachusetts, the number of times I have nearly killed someone with my car, accidentally or otherwise, has probably quadrupled.  At least.

Much of this, at least in the summer months, is due to the humans who attach themselves to bicycles and act like they have all the rights of a two-ton vehicle while following none of the same rules that we motor vehicle operators must abide by.

I know I’ve made this comparison probably as many times as Real Talk Tuesday has revolved around driving-related rants, but I’m going to say again… the road is for cars.  The ocean is for sharks.  The woods are for bears.  I know there are definitely people out there who go swimming in a shark’s backyard and then get all bent out of shape when they brush up against one and get hurt.  Or the lady in my hometown who went for a walk deep in the f***ing FOREST and then was outraged when she happened upon a bear that swatted at her.

Side note: Clearly she’s not as paranoid as I am, but deep in the woods, I’d literally be more worried about being murdered and ending up on Dateline than I would be about encountering a bear.  So I’d love to know why exactly she had to venture deep into the open wilderness for her walk that day, but I mean, I suppose that’s neither here nor there.

black and blue cruiser bike
Photo by on

Anyway, regardless of those people, the facts are the facts, and thus my frustration is this:

When I am operating a several ton MACHINE on the road built literally FOR such things, and some dude in a multicolored leotard is six feet out in the middle of the road, riding NEXT TO his friend as though they are on some kind of leisurely paddleboat jaunt around a peaceful lake and not the middle of the damn road surrounded by speeding metal and steel.

I realize it’s a “sport” and people are going to do this regardless of how often I contemplate vehicular manslaughter (JOKE), and so I have compiled a couple of ways cyclists (whom I suspect based on their attitudes alone don’t give a single f**k) could make this whole load of nonsense more bearable for us drivers.

a. Cars have to stop at stop signs.  Cyclists claim that it’s “too hard 😢” to unclip their little bike shoes every time they come to a stop sign, and instead figure, YOLO and run all the signs.  I also find stop signs annoying and inconvenient, especially when I have seven feet of hair to style and thus am often running late.  Should I run them too and explain to the cop that it was “too inconvenient 🙆” for me to attempt to prevent an accident by stopping to ensure there is no cross traffic before catapulting myself out into the street? 

Perhaps if cyclists also stopped at the stop signs, as per the rules of the road they are so desperate to ride their little bikes on, I would be more hospitable and willing to share my space with their toy.

b. Cars have to stay within the lines.  If we cross the line, we end up pulled over and saying our ABCs backwards to prove we aren’t wasted.  There are signs on the road explaining to us drivers that our rights don’t matter as much as the person who doesn’t belong on the road in the first place, and instructing us to give them a three-foot cushion.  So if they are pushing SIX FEET out into the road, how is this any different from us being a few inches over the center line?  I mean, yeah, obviously it’s a much bigger deal if a car is over the line than if a bike is an extra foot out in to the road.  But have you ever tried to pass a stubborn cyclist?  They WILL NOT move over, and it essentially FORCES you onto the wrong side of the road to avoid them.

So maybe if they had even a LITTLE consideration for the drivers, and didn’t just decide that they want to be there and they “have rights!!!” and prioritize their precious albeit unearned “rights” over the lives of other people on the road, I’d be a little more lenient and less curious just how much trouble I’d get in for nudging one out of my way. 🤔

Again, kidding.  Don’t call the fuzz. ✌️

two man and woman riding bicycles on road
Photo by Brett Sayles on

But.  Sigh.  Alas, again, I know, people are going to do what they are going to do.  But full disclosure, if I EVER become president, small things like this and throwing plastic in the garbage will be illegal and punishable by jail time. 😂

You may roll your eyes, but if the queen can outlaw garlic in the palace because she doesn’t like it, I can sure as F try keep our streets safer with less self-righteous men in tights getting all up in our shit.  Hehe.  Just kidding.

Vote for me!  Sammie P!


😂 ✌️ 🇺🇸

Full disclosure: I don’t hate on cyclists in general, and Real Talk Tuesday posts are for the most part, in good fun. There are definitely moments where I want to use my car as a weapon, but those are special cases 😂. But I don’t hate you if you cycle, I just don’t like you if you get all up in my shit on the road when for almost every road there is a sidewalk. 😂

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